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It’s Day Three of This Week’s Fake Assurance of the Century, and developments in the Kimberly Stewart-Talan Torriero approaching bridal are aerial at us faster than $20 bills at a abandoned man accommodating to abase himself for Paris Hilton’s amusement. When aftermost we posted, Stewart was aflame her five-carat assurance zirconia at a Microsoft video bold arrangement party. Page Six now tells us that the bells is not to be some cliffside activity drowned out by the circle of helicopter blades in the abroad future. For hot to amble Stewart, absoluteness appearance bedmate can’t appear anon enough:

KIMBERLY Stewart, 26, is in a bustle to ally Laguna Beach absoluteness appearance brilliant Talan Torriero, 19. They appear their assurance yesterday. “Talan’s mother is absurdly crying. She is not happy,” said a source. “They are accepting their paperwork calm to get affiliated in Vegas this weekend. They appetite to do it appropriate away” apparently afore the affection fades. Stewart, babe of bedrock fable Rod, aloof bankrupt up with Girls Gone Wild architect Joe Francis. She was affianced to Mischa Barton’s new beau, Cisco Adler, beforehand this year.

Ignoring for a moment the candied allurement of commenting on the incestuous bacchanal of arrant boneheads that brought this account to a close, let us about-face our absorption instead to the arresting similarities this adventure bears to the Quickie Marriage That Time Forgot, Nicky Hilton’s ten-minute affiancing to some baldheaded guy. That too took abode in a Vegas abbey and seemed like annihilation added than Paris’ bearded attack to beef up her sister’s US Weekly coverage. (Of course, no one absolutely cared or remembered Nicky is array of like the Ford Escort of account targets.) Perhaps this aftereffect plan was hatched the night of the now abominable crash, in the Bentley itself, that rolling thinktank of absorption whoredom’s greatest minds. Afterwards abundant amusement and “do you absolutely anticipate we can get abroad with it?”s, we brainstorm Paris banishment all four to a pinkie affirm of secrecy, abnormal afore the moment of impact.

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